Today was the first time since I got here that I walked around anywhere by myself. I thought I was going to go sit in a coffee shop, and attempt to write down interactions I may have made up in my head anyway, but instead, I just sat outside, and I looked around the very clean boulevard. A television broadcasted news of the president, nearby. All the coffee shops looked too social. I didn't write anything down. (Later, on the metro, I ran into my brother's wife - had to take off my headphones, remember where I was. She told me I shouldn't walk around here by myself dressed like I do, because my dress is tempting to men. I don't dress here any differently than how I dress anywhere else. She also wanted to know if people in America had vegetable or flower gardens. I told her that probably somewhere, they did.)

On my way away from home, and then on my way home, I listened to music on repeat, in English. I have found that this eases some of my confusion - if I can't hear the Russian, I can't begin to create and reiterate connotations. I find it really hard to smile here. It's not because I am particularly unhappy, but there are so many associations that I hold with this culture, this language, that it's hard to separate my understanding of my history from walking down the street. I find myself often disgusted. I don't like that. I don't understand where it comes from.

Two days ago, I drank two bottles of vodka with my brother and cousin. My brother says that he and this cousin are the two normal people in the family. I asked him if he thought I was normal, too. He answered that I lived in America, and didn't count. My grandmother told me about a week ago that my brother doesn't think he is a part of this family. My cousin's girlfriend works in the restaurant we went to, called Manga, and referencing Japanese graphic novels. On the last page of the sushi menu, an anime girl suggestively licks a popsicle. It was a page for deserts. I mentioned to my brother and cousin that one of my biggest fears was looking like an anime character. My cousin gestured that anime characters have large breasts. I explained, I meant in the face.

We got a ride home from a stranger - it was cheaper than a taxi.

The next morning, at least three family members called or asked about when I got home the night before. My cousin told his mother that I left early, I guess to keep her from being worried. She called my brother and asked him why he got his cousin drunk. My brother told her he was 22 and perfectly able to make his own decisions.

The next night, my brother and I went back to the restaurant. We ordered beer. I tried to show him how to use chopsticks, but he was too embarrassed to learn in the restaurant - there were lots of girls in the room. He told me to take the chopsticks home to show him there. My cousin's girlfriend said that my cousin was hugging the toilet all night. He wasn't used to drinking so much vodka. The night we all drank together they tried to tell me the Russian word for "show-off" and said my mother likes to use it a lot.

My grandmother keeps telling me I take after my father. I tell her I resent that comment and that she can't choose who I take after only knowing two people that I interact with regularly. She tells me to stay and eat some soup. I do, but I leave as soon as I finish eating, and take the metro to the center of the city, to walk by myself. I thought I was going to go sit in a coffee shop, and attempt to write down interactions I may have made up in my head anyway, but instead, I just sat outside, and I looked around the very clean boulevard.